oio_jane

I got my plane tickets in the (e)mail yesterday!!!

Because nothing happens on the weekends.

Also, I do post a lot more but privately. Besides...who reads this thing anyway?

(Laura, I know you do....................)

-Janessa

ps. why does nobody else post anything?

(Laura, I know you do...................)

But it was still a mostly depressing day.

Excerpt from my journal today:

"I want a way to win. I'll never win. I'm aware."


Fudge.

xo
Janessa

My plan didn't work out as I had planned today. Sigh.

Also though, I sat a row nearer in lecture this morning, with my new friend (or someone who I am determined to become friends with in the next weekish) but it was actually a poorer seat. Its quite interesting, there being only four rows, how vastly different each row is from the next. For example, my regular seat just one row up is prime. Who knew? But being that little bit closer made me no longer on eye-level so I was getting spoken above all lecture. In my row I am being directly addressed for much of the time (helps that I sit alone in that row, direct centre, but it is lonely). I don't want my new friend to get offended that I don't sit with him again though :( I'll sort it out.

My plan wasn't fool proof, its true. But...I think I would have rather had bad effects than no effects at all. The term is drawing to a close! Something MUST happen!

I've had a piece of toast for breakfast, Laura, satisfied?

Also I'm looking cuter than I normally do for school, which is a contingent of today's experiment that I had not planned for, as I never look especially cute for school (because I sleep until the very last minute).

Sneak attack!

that you guys read this more than I assumed you did.

Thanks for commenting.

Its also nice to have a reason to want to do well.

I've decided from now on, if I read your post I will comment on it no matter what. Even if its just like 'hey' or whatever (it won't be, we all know I like to see myself type) and I would ask that you do the same. After all, I wouldn't put it up here for you to read if I didn't want you to read it...and usually I want to know what you think.

Today again my professor questioned my seating choice as a form of greeting, "You're sitting there?" Its becoming common.

Today was ridiculous though, after all, it was in the small class that I have with him, where the lecture hall only has 4 tiers of desks. I happened to sit in the second to last one today where some of my mates sit, instead of the second to the front where apparently I'd been sitting more often.

As he set himself up at the front I quietly moved my stuff down a row to sit in the centre of the room. Who am I to disappoint? Maybe on Friday I'll one-up and sit in the front row.

"You'll sit there?"

But enough about me, I want to hear about YOUR Wednesdays. ;)

(well, three if you count spaghetti, but I won't because that's not love)

1. Michael Jackson
2. Buster Keaton

*drool*

She stared at the toothbrush gloomily. Then she stared at its reflection in the mirror and then she stared at her own reflection. She heaved a sigh and continued to mope, the warm light, the white door closed firmly from the outside world. Her reflection glared back at her and she stared back down at the toothbruth.

She brushed, she scraped, she tore at the enamel with every stroke, furiously scrubbing, scraping and hatefully brushing away at everything in her mouth. She should love her teeth, she thought, thoughtfully. But she was secretly despising them more and more everyday. She spit into the sink, gratified that there were red speckles slipping through the drain along with the white foam. She rinsed and then put her face right up to the glass, staring at the gleaming teeth. They would never be perfect.

She didn't have a problem with her teeth so much, but the toothbrush.

She shouldn't have bought it, her mother would tell her, and she would roll her eyes. But she was annoyed because her mother would have been right, she shouldn't have bought the toothbrush, for what it symbolized and for the design and colours she picked out and why she picked them out. She should have left it on the shelf, she didn't even need a new toothbrush. She washed the whole thing, not just the head, and held it in her hands, dripping into the sink. She turned it over and over, staring down at it before replacing it to the brush holder in the corner.

She stared at herself in the mirror again, her look murderous, before flashing a toothy smile and exiting the bathroom.

the nerves in my face twist and contort and remind me of the hell I've put them through.

It hurts.

I got the depression conversation last night, ("Dad and I think you're depressed...") and ended up spilling my guts about everything that I've felt in the last two weeks. WHY?

I often feel like I regress to my grade 9 asshole self. WHY?

Because I have low self-esteem, lol.

ps. JENGA AND LAURA - new band for you to look up and to love (Leanne, I doubts you'd like 'em) The Swell Season. (I mean, if you liked ONCE, the same people are in this band ;) )

The theme of the day IS isolation.

Even now, I sit at a table in a brimming Tim Horton's. A table with one attached chair, and emptiness across, no possibility for companionship.

I eat my soup in silence as I dwell on the last week. The last two weeks would be better although for the most complete picture I would include the scope of the entire semester. But it has been the last two weeks that induced such feeling in me that make this lack, more than a lack, more than something missing or even empty. A void. A pit with only me in it. This is how I feel and I think it comes across in my physical behavior, my altogether avoidance of the thoughts and consciousness and even bodily proximity to others.

Thank goodness I don't like food on a depressed stomach. Soup is about it today for me I think. Who needs supper when there is tea and blogs to read, letters to respond to, a soaked magazine to peruse and...oh yes homework. Boys to pick up from school and take to the movies, and professors to stare at. 

I would rather feel isolated among people than isolated and alone.

I watched too many movies this weekend and as a result I'm not in the mood for another movie. I'm sure the feeling will pass by tomorrow night's BUFS screening.

condemned to love in secret.

all my girlishness boils down to this,
it would be nice to have a man to kiss.

The more I find out about you,

The more interested I become.

Last night, energy drink at 8pm took me through until 4am so I could finish homework before everybody else.

Sleep: 4:15-6:15am

7am, another energy drink that I expect me to take me until 11 tonight. I know that coffee won't be good because energy drinks and caffeine suck up hydration so I've been drinking water. So far I haven't had to fight too hard to stay awake.

I think I might have a crush on one of my professors. That or I'm just addicted to listening to him lecture, and even more addicted to impressing him in any way I can.

Tetro tonight, then no time off until....next Friday night. Oof. I'm going down to three courses in semester two. I went to see if I could get some money back from Brock (because I've gone down from 4.0 credits to 3.5, they now owe me money. But of course TA Dan was right, when it comes to getting money FROM you Brock is highly efficient and quick, but when it is the reverse, it can be deadly slow. Already they've tried to stifle my requests by wild goose chases and waiting games. I won't be beat! This is MY money, not the governments and not Brock's. I'm also thinking of converting back to Film-major/English-minor instead of co-minor.


La: I send you and yours my love, and a hug.